Rejoice, pedestrians of Harpenden! Put down your walking sticks and cast off your sturdy boots, for a monumental feat of civil engineering has been achieved down at Grove Road. Yes, after what our local Conservative representative openly admits has been “a few years” of the pavement being in a remarkably poor state, it has finally been fixed.
Hold the front page.
According to a recent dispatch from the frontline of local politics, "Our Conservative team wanted to make sure that the pavement was restored to a good condition as quickly as possible." The author of this triumphant bulletin? None other than County Councillor Matt Cowley.
Now, Cllr Cowley isn’t just any councillor. He happens to be the Shadow Cabinet Member for Highways.
It is somewhat awe-inspiring to learn that, for the man literally shadowing the Highways portfolio, leaving a stretch of local tarmac to crumble for multiple years is what qualifies as acting "as quickly as possible." One shudders to think how long it would take if he were actively dawdling.
But how, exactly, did this Herculean task come to fruition? Did the Shadow Highways chief strap on his high-vis jacket, commandeer a steamroller, and pour the asphalt himself? Not quite.
In a stunning display of political action, Cllr Cowley proudly declares: “At my recent visit to Harpenden Springs, I was pleased to hear that the pavement works were imminent...”
Let us decode that, shall we? The Shadow Cabinet Member for Highways turned up to look at a nice shiny new building, was casually informed by someone else that the council highways department—funded by you, the taxpayer, and executed by everyday workers—already had the job scheduled, and decided to take the credit for it. It’s the political equivalent of walking into a kitchen just as the oven pings, taking the cake out, and demanding a Michelin star.
There is, of course, no mention of the council officers who logged the issue, the budget allocations negotiated across the chamber, or the actual human beings who laid the tarmac. No, this was purely a victory for Cllr Cowley and the Conservative team, who bravely stood by and listened to an update.
The Future: A Yellow Line Utopia
But wait, the visionary leadership doesn't stop at merely repairing things they've ignored for half a decade. Having finally secured a flat surface, the team has noticed a new, shocking development: cars might park on it.
“Our Conservative team know that pavement parking here has been a problem in the past, so we are working to secure some yellow lines to tackle that next!”
A masterful strategy from the Shadow Highways desk. First, let the pavement deteriorate until it’s virtually a gravel track. Second, wait for someone else to schedule the repairs and claim the victory. Third, proudly announce your new, sweeping campaign to ask the council to come back and paint a couple of yellow stripes on it.
We must, of course, acknowledge the progress: the pavement is undeniably better. For that, we can genuinely be thankful. But next time our local representatives want to pin a medal on their own chests for the heroic act of turning up just in time to watch the tarmac dry, perhaps they could spare a thought for the rest of the machinery—and the rest of us paying for it—that actually got the job done.